The tides of the thousand year Martian
war shift when an earth man lands Mars in the western space fantasy
John Carter. Gorgeous, but
daft and rambling, John Carter
can only hope to satisfy the most shallow and vapid of audiences.
Former
Confederate soldier John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) accidentally comes
across a portal to Mars while looking for a cave of gold. Once in
Mars, the effects of the gravity and atmosphere differences on him
make him extremely valuable to the warring factions on the planet.
There is a pretty girl who captures his interest, there are
priest-like characters called Therns who try to keep the people of
Mars down using religion, and evil bad guys who do bad things in the
name of religion.
I
suspect the story was kept fast-moving and puddle-deep because the
themes are potentially offensive to theists and other people who
reject rational thought. The story is moved primarily by what the
Therns allow or force to occur and what the people of Mars allow to
happen because of submission to mythical thinking instead of
critical thought.
It
could have been a powerful and important commentary on the crises
caused by religion and a refusal to employ reason on our own planet.
Today a refusal to critically examine beliefs has lead to the
justification of the coverup and systematic rape of children all over
the world, global warming deniers, those who would deny women access
to contraceptives, conspiracy theories, vaccine hysteria, the spread
of HIV/AIDS because of intentional misinformation about condoms, the
oppression in women, the hunting of albinos, killing people for being
witches, necklacing, non-consensual genital mutilation of children,
and slowed advances in stem cell research to name a few. Actually,
pointing this stuff out literally does not seem to be working, we
need a movie that can stab at the heart of irrational thinking. John
Carter is not that movie.
Even
though it is obvious the writers were trying to cover that ground,
they breeze by it so quickly, it has no chance to sink in. It is
basically a side note to a war movie. In fact, everything that is
not blowing up or killing something is basically a paper cut on the
film – insignificant irritation. There are so many themes that the
film breezes through that by the end it feels like no part of the
film is free to watch without fear of injury.
The
heroine and love interest Princess Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins) is
beautiful, bad-ass, and brilliant. She could be considered a role
model for girls, but every other line of her dialogue made me want to
kill myself. One second she is capable of making an unprecedented
scientific discovery, the next second she speaks like a thirteen year
old cheerleader who was just waking up to Justin Beiber giving her
CPR after having a jar of chloroform dumped over her head. It
was not limited to Dejah though. All of the characters seem utterly
incapable of going five minutes without speaking a line that made the
audience laugh.
The actors are not to blame for the
cringe-inducing moments. There were no award winning performances
but the actors were convincing enough that to make the film a
comfortable watch had the writing not been so awful.
The writers were not the only ones
guilty of crimes against cinema, the director, Andrew Stanton, needs
to brought up on charges too. Much of the film is a direct rip off
of other film sources, including the sounds that some of the ships
make.
I think most of the budget for John
Carter went to the special effects and wow – the sparkle. It
was not flawless, but there was something magical about the way John
Carter looked. The costumes were captivating and interesting;
except for the Dejah’s jewelery, which looked cheap and I am
convinced was assembled by 3rd graders. The war scenes
were fun to watch. Oh how I wish it were a silent film.
John Carter lacks heart, depth,
feeling, and meaning. What it provides in abundance are stunning
visuals, undeveloped themes, intellectually insulting dialogue,
pointless fight scenes, killing, plot points that must be accepted
without question or explanation, and opportunities to place the back
of one’s hand on the forehead and tilt the head back without a
smidgen of irony.
